How do I identify to my self first. My diagnosis second. and then how will we identify ourself to the world? – Boom
How I feel
I am feeling very strange I have not experienced it before. It would be like me trying to describe what watermelon tastes like. But I am I am not remembering um basic oh like I am not identifying my extremely chapped lips as being painful and uncomfortable. I am feeling my heartbeat in them but not connecting that feeling to discomfort or pain. I have been doing that for along time my lifetime. I get upset with myself for not knowing that I was able to disconnect from pain. I knew I had a high pain tolerance but I didn’t know it was. or did I know? is that why I rarely went to the doctor. I will go so there really isn’t any fear there I don’t have any issues with male or female or examinations are just as a pain in the ass as they are for anyone. nothing extreme. (dentist different story) but medical stuff. I just hate going I do feel like most visits are a waste of time. I do need to stop thinking that I am the only one in the world that meds don’t work on but they just don’t.
I started to realize that I was in a lot of pain AFTER I finally had the procedure done and was pain free for a few months I started believing that I had the right to live a life free of pain. but I didn’t see the little disconnects. Like a kid not understanding that their feet are burning on a hot street. all they feel is heat well I mean more like they don’t connect that the street is burning their feet and bla bla . so I wasn’t connecting that the reason why I was living in pain is not because I had a high pain tolerance it was because I was disconnected from that feeling.
and I do feel um shoot I feel someway about just realizing how disconnected I have been my whole life. I am proof that fake it till you make it works but ultimately it is just a house of cards because now I see that faking being a person like them made me not real. I sware that makes sense.
and that’s where I get offended by the Dissociative Identity Disorder. I feel like they are saying I am not a real person. I am a dissociated part of a persons mind and that is just not! no it can’t be that I am not able to think, react, move, function, um what makes a person real then. I can see and have opinions on topics. I have a sense of humor that is uniquely mine. I have goals and plans and a history and a future. what the hell makes me as a whole unit dissociated. I see so many people now who dissociate on the high end of the scale and they are “one” person. so what the Hell? (ok next speaker means next post guys)
what makes me me?
I am very confused right now. very. I am not sure who I am and maybe I am everyone or a lot of ones at the same time because I can’t follow a thought for more than. oh I don’t know. I am tolking non stop. this is when the phych peeps would say bipolar cuz I guess that is a manic stat. well, nope um to be fair though it is anxiety and I believe anxiety manifests itself in many many many ways.
see, my point is made. I am not able to follow a thought. I am losing items rapidly and often! I am not able to tell you what my name is. I am not Beverly I truly do not believe there ever was. but then who am I? because I am not Ame or Elle or Boom or Nadia or hmmm Jorge is a … not now Jorge. but he’s out I can recognize him.
Im gonna start all over. I am trying to figure out a way to communicate you guys! and you are not helping. its pissing me off! Im going back to the assimilate blog.
Assimilate vs. Educate
Now that I have this new awareness of how my body reacts to the bizarre symptoms of DID I am having difficulty deciding if the world really matters. Not in a eat worms kinda way more like am I worried about it right now?
I don’t fit in and that’s OK. A person with no arms would need to educate the world about his limits and needs.
Dr Barry and the going back on meds conversation
TheMind Container
Source: TheMind Container
TheMind Container
“Which came first the brain or the mind?” Or should that say the mind or the soul? But then is the soul a part or separate from the mind? Does the soul exist in our body andvthe mind exists in the brain? What contains the mind? I think that knowing this will help me find a healing path better suited for my many minds.
I don’t really know what I think a soul even means to me and right now I truly don’t care. I want to understand “alters/parts” those definitions confuse me because I just don’t feel like a peice of or a replacement. I feel like a whole person with a brain and several thinking minds.
- could be Boom? No, I am feeling like um? ….. Yes maybe Boom. I do enjoy Greek philosophers…
not sad. just scared.
When I first started recovering memories of abuse it wasn’t long before I couldn’t move myself off the couch. I thought it was depression, everyone else did too.
Fast forward 5 years and the most scary memories are coming. I was so worried I’d be on the couch in and out of the hospitals …
I learned that it is not depression (well not only) it is aniety & fear that keeps me paralyzed.
Now that I understand what the “feeling” of anxiety is. I can approach my day much differently.
One thing that helped is to just rocognize what it was I was feeling.
How about you?
Adolla
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